The things that Happens in Chinese Kung Fu Film…

…that will never happen in real life!

 

This is more applicable if you actually watch Chinese period drama/serials. If you don’t this might be foreign to you. Pun intended. Oh, there was a pun there? Where?

 

1. Becoming the parents of the main character/hero is usually the s*******t thing that could happen to you because you’re usually killed when the hero is a young kid, whereupon the hero will be an orphaned vagabond learning kung fu to avenge…your death.
2. Heavily wounded and injured and at the brink of death, someone will always stay alive a few breath to tell the hero who the murderer is, before his/her head lolls to one side and thankfully, finally die.
3. Kung Fu warriors could fly from rooftop to rooftop, jump on trees and walk a thousand miles across the desert without breaking a sweat. But when they reach a city or a village, they walk around on foot and usually, without a horse.
4. We never ever see the hero in gainful employment but always have gold and silver to pay for their food. Hmm?
5. The hero and the villain will always, ALWAYS, end up meeting no matter how large the country is or how wide the continent is. Maybe they had GPS.
6. To cure internal injury, suffice to sit cross-legged on the ground, both hands on the hip and smoke coming out of your head.
7. Another way is to have a lady sitting behind (or a man, if the main character is a heroine/lady) with both her hands on your back, sweating her brains of and after healing you, faint from exhaustion, where you will, of course, take care of her and tadaaaaaa, fall in love.
8. They can deposit all kind of things up the sleeve of their cloth and not drop a single thing, especially gold and silver, vials of antidote for various poison etc.
9. Before the Master die, he could transfer the energy from his body to his favourite disciple (the hero, duh) by the channeling it through his palm TO the disciple’s head with such ease and speed like a USB cable, infrared and bluetooth we have now.
10. When a girl dresses up as a man for disguise, have the voice of a girl, the men are so stupid not to know that it is a woman and always unintentionally brush across the women’s breast BEFORE realizing he is actually a she.

 

Seen one, seen all. What makes it interesting is the storyline is a bit different.

 

I especially love the periodical ones that have concubines having catfights over each other…classic! I miss watching Cantonese period serials…sigh…