The Hypocrite’s Cake

(I wish I have better photo-taking ability!)

 

This cake has received rave reviews every time. It makes baking this cake worth it considering I sold my soul and throws principles out of the window to make it

 

This cake embodies all the things that I do not like. I don’t like cheese. I don’t like sour cream. I don’t like passionfruit.

 

I am horrified of butter. You know why they call it butter? Because it goes directly to your butt area, and not in a flattering way. If butter could give me J Lo butt I will gladly eat every cake I bake. Now you know the reason why I don’t eat everything that I bake!

 

Everytime I make this cake my heart cries in pain. My soul dies a slow death.

 

And then when I made this cake for Hero recently, the real requester of this cake, he moans in ecstasy, “Oh yeah, THIS is what I’m talking about!” and when he tells his friend who decline a slice, “You don’t know what you’re missing.”

 

And P says, “For a homemade cheesecake, this is FANTASTIC!”

 

I even have to make it last night so that Hero could have his fix when I’m not around (See? I am a loving girlfriend!). I made banana muffins too but that is another happy, lovely story.

 

Passionfruit Cheesecake and I, we have a love-hate relationship. I still don’t like this cake. But for the adoration and adulation it gives me, I’m all for it.

 

Oh, and the cake decoration…would you believe it if I said that was Hero’s work? I wonder what his workmates will think of this macho man decorating cakes. *giggle*

 

What you need

Base

2 cups worth of crumbed sweet biscuits

125g of cellulite…butter *twitchtwitchtwitchtwitch*

 

The Filling

500g double chin, or you human call it Philadelphia Cheese (or any cream cheese)

½ cup diabetes…I mean, sugar *twitchtwitchtwitchtwitch*

½ tspn vanilla

3 cholestrol….egg.

1 tspn lemon juice (my only favourite part in this recipe, because I only need 1 tspn out of the whole lemon leaving me free to suck on lemon for the duration of making this soul torturing cake).

 

The icing

125ml sour cream *gaggaggaggaggaggag*

½ tspn vanilla

2 tbsp sugar *twitchtwitchtwitchtwitch*

A can of passionfruit extract (about 170g)

1. If you’re one of the lucky people who have food processors, throw in the sweet biscuits and process it into 2 cups worth of crumbs. But if you’re like me who don’t, do it the cavewomen way: Grunt and roughly break some biscuits into a clean clear bag. Run in circles grunting “ugg ugg!” while crushing biscuits in the plastic between the palms of your hand. Alternatively, you could pound away on the biscuit with your stone club. This is a great therapy for anger and frustration of having to make a cake you don’t like.

1. That done? Good. Return to civilization, circa 21^st century. No, you can’t bring the baby brontosaurus home. Yes, I know it’s adorable but leave it behind. No, I said leave it. Leave it! I mean it lady!

1. Now that you’re sane, proceed to melt butter in a bowl by microwaving it on high for 1 minute.

1. Add crumbed biscuit into the melted butter and mix, mix, mix.

1. It should have a sticky, dry-ish texture. You don’t want a runny mixture because then it won’t set properly. You also don’t want a coarse texture because you want the base to stick together. Test this by pushing part of the mixture to one side of the bowl. It should stay there and not run over to the other side. I hope this make sense! If it doesn’t, feel free to ask.

1. Spread this mixture to the base of a spring foil tin. Press it down and make sure it is evenly spread out.

Filling

1. Soften the cheese by microwaving it on high for 1 minute.

1. Add sugar and vanilla into the cheese mix and beat, beat, beat to your heart’s contents.

1. When evenly mixed, add in the eggs *twitchtwitch* one at a time.

1. Add in the lemon juice.

1. Pour mixture on top of the biscuit base, while asking for forgiveness from your thigh a dozen times (if you’re going to eat it) or say the Lord’s Prayer to clean your soul (if you’re not eating it but condemning others who do to fatdom).

Topping

1. Combine all ingredients, wail and cry while you beat. If you’re a punk, stab ingredients repeatedly with the metal spoon that was originally one of your piercings. If you’re a rocker, the drumstick you use to stir the mixture should be waved about madly. If you’re a goth, this will be the perfect time to add a few drops of your blood into the topping mixture. Maybe even black food colouring? Ok, now, I’m joking about the blood mixture.

1. Spoon this mixture on top of the filling. Avoid pouring as it might break the filling’s liquid formation. You want a separate layer of biscuit base, cheese filling and passionfruit topping. So you need to gently spoon the mixture over the filling so as not to upset the layering.

Pop the cake into the fridge and let it set overnight for best result.

 

Side note:

 

Alternative for topping is passionfruit jelly. You can find out how to make it with gelatin and passionfruit pulp by making an internet search. This sets better than the above filling and especially ideal if you’re planning to let it sit out a long period of time during servings. With my topping, it will melt if you don’t keep popping it into the fridge between servings. I just like white toppings because I can decorate it. With gelatin toppings my already limited decorating options is further limited.

 

There. Go ahead, sell your soul and make this damn cake.