To women reading this:
- If you’re married–> did you took your husband’s name? Why or why not?
- To those who are yet to be married–>will you? Why or why not?
I met up for tea with a friend who is getting married soon. She was having a dilemma. Whether or not to change her maiden name to her soon-to-be-husband surname and was asking for opinions.
I’m very, very wary of giving people advice on something that I do not really understand, something that I have not gone through, or that I will probably not go through. But the way she put her question to me was sneakily, “what about you? Say, just for example purpose, if Hero and you married, would you take his name?”
I have never thought about this issue. I never thought about getting married to anyone, much less about changing my name when the concept is foreign to me.
You see, in my country, unless you’re Chinese or Serani (Eurasian of Portuguese descent), your last name is not a surname, but your father’s name. So for example, if your name was John Smith Abraham, that means you are John Smith, the son of Abraham. If John had a kid named Matthew, with the middle name of Lee, his full name will be Matthew Lee John.
Get it?
Therefore, if a woman changes her name after marriage to her husband’s name, it means that she is taking her father-in-law’s name. That would make her the father-in-law’s daughter and she would be married to her own brother!
So I told her, hypothetically if I were to marry Hero, yes, I would take his name BUT retain my name. I can get away with this because I only have one name. No middle names. So if I decide to keep my name and add Hero’s, it won’t seem strange because now it would appear like I have three names in my name, making it as normal as anyone’s else.
She wasn’t satisfied with this answer. She pressed me to answer it in a more sentimental way. Geez, how much more sentimental can I be? She asked me, what would be my motivation to add Hero’s name to my name?
I sarcastically told her, “to shut you up and get on with my tea” and she threatened to withhold my order of 3 slices of Hazelnut Chocolate Cake. She had the power because she was paying. And 3 slices means $15. I caved in and my soul was bought with 15 bucks and 3 slices of chocolate cake.
I am not ashamed. Also to other people out there who considers bribing me, I can also be bought with an endless supplies of salmon sushi.
Ok, on to my reason.
I don’t have an emotional attachment with my name. With our naming system, it means that father’s name only survive one generation after him. It is not carried to another generation. There is less sentimental value with Malaysian names.
I’m keeping it because that’s the name I have on every certificates and awards I get. That’s the name on my license and my passport. That is the name that will appear on my Bachelor’s Degree and on my Masters. That’s the name on all my official correspondences, on my bank accounts and on my investments. Changing them all is just too much.
Would I add a husband’s name? It depends on who that person is. If it’s Hero, yes, I definitely will. Because I honour him greatly, and as a show of honour to his wonderful family who have made me feel extremely welcomed. On Christmas night, Hero’s elder brother officially welcomed me to the family. I have no qualms about being part of the family. Hero’s cousin’s wife and I get on like house on fire, and she has the family name. It just seems way cooler for us all to have the same name. It signifies that you come from the same insane clan. Imagine terrorizing the whole town and be known as the “D—- family”. I guess it would also sounds cooler on family greeting cards, knowing that I am not the weird one out because I have a different name.
“What name would the kids have?” she asked. Without hesitation, I said Hero’s name.
You could argue that I could always hyphenate the kids name to take on both Hero’s and I name. Again, if my kids get both names and have it hyphenated, it would mean that they are my father’s kids. So now my kids has turned into my siblings. Sounds a bit gross, no? And if both Hero and I change name to hyphenated names, like the trend is now, that would make Hero my brother. Not something I’m open to.
Lastly, I pointed out to her that I hate the way people ALWAYS mispronounced my surname, be they Malaysians or Westerners. Everytime I have to spell my surname and everytime I have to correct people’s pronunciation. I sighed heavily everytime my name is mentioned on PA system, everytime my name is mentioned on stage and just about anytime my name is announced.
Only Filipinos get my name right, because essentially it is a Filipino name, despite the fact that I am not Filipino. And because the name sounds very Filipino, I’m always mistaken as one. Not that I mind, but now I have to explain again that I don’t understand nor speak Tagalog and that I am Malaysian. And then comes the question on how Malaysian will get that name, and how my race ends up in Malaysia.
It all gets very tiring. I don’t like to have to explain myself my whole life. And that is what I have been doing.
What say you?
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I took my husband’s last name, at the time, I didn’t even think about it. I still use my maiden name for certain things I write. I also used my maiden name when I graduated from college, because, I felt that my scholastic endeavours had absolutely nothing to do with his family, and those accomplishments were minee. I also did not change certain pieces of ID. That being said, a few years after I was using my dear hubbys last name, I did feel a sense of embitterment, not towards him, but just because it was like giving up my identity.
A friend of mine, made her husband change his name to her name.
So I waver between both names.
God, I should spell check.
LoL… ive been frens wif u for quite sum time d n i still DUNNO ur full name lahh… LoL… dun blame me yah… hehehe…
I took my husband’s name. There was no question in my mind. I’m a traditional, old-fashioned kind of woman. I certainly would not have kept my name only to spend a lifetime explaining, yes, the kids are ours together, but I kept my last name.
Beyond those reasons, is the fact the I had little emotional attachment to my legal last name. I went by my stepdad’s last name growing up in school. It was not until I started working that I began to call myself by the name on my birth certificate. While I have relationships with both of my dads, both names have baggage for me. In the end, I am proud to carry the name of the man I chose.
You make some very interesting points! I am the creator of a new service that helps those choosing a last name and I’m writing a book that will serve as an all-inclusive guide to family naming.
I’ve found that the reasons for choosing one name or one tradition over another vary greatly from person to person. I don’t advocate for any particular “right” answer, just that the decision is made carefully. Last names have definitely become a choice rather than a given.
For me personally, my choice of hyphenation is about my own identity rather than keeping my father’s name. My husband hyphenated too.
I’d love to hear what you think about my work! Shoot me an e-mail AND take the online version of my name survey at http://www.TheNameSurvey.com.
All the best,
Kelly Utt-Grubb
I kept my name, for professional reasons as well as the whole pride factor: I’m one of four girls so the name would not pass on. My kids have my husbands name; people who don’t know me professionally call me by my husbands name. I’m happy with the way it’s working! Although I read an article recently in which the author recommended everyone keeping their own name, and daughters take the mother’s name, and sons take the fathers name. I liked that.
I took my husband’s name, and use my maiden name as a middle name when I sign official documents. As you said, it’s the name on my license and birth certificate and all that stuff, so I include it when I sign important things. I’m a pretty traditional girl, so I didn’t even consider keeping my name. I honored my family by including traditional names from them in my children’s names.